Monday, April 24, 2006

2384/7255 - Banana Pacakes

I'm eating banana pancakes (for recipe, check back two blogs and replace the word 'chocolate chip' with 'chopped banana'), trying to wake up.

I've got the new job tonight. I shouldn't say 'new' I should say 'latest' or 'Banana'. I started last week it's good, it's easy. I do nothing. Sit there eyes propped open by tooth picks, watching 8 hours of TV, while they pump me full of Fructose, Phosphoric acid, Caramel color and Natural flavors. it's Bananas, wait replace that with 'life'.

The machine then jots down some notes, every two minutes, transforming the electrical energy from the screen, to my brain to a piece of paper. Pretty ingenious I suppose. and by Banana I mean Banana. Guess we're golden there.

Every half hour or so, a little animated gopher comes on the screen, has me preform some minimal task, to check my state of awareness vs. hypnosis. Then I'm rewarded with a brisk walk, or a sugary treat, or told to process my food wastes.

8 hour's later, I barely remember anything I've seen, what I'd been force feed, and I'm waking up to myself walking home, somewhere in the 2 O'clock hour. Busy Hollywood streets, everyone getting kicked out of the clubs and bars, and there's me, eyes in a forced state of propped open, I don't blink for hours after the job.

But Bananas is Bananas. And we do what we can to get by, to build up, to get back to zero.

Stay Strong,


Friday, April 14, 2006


According to the Genesis Machine it's October 8th 1999 (for my soul), It's been running 6 years, 6 months and 0 days; it's been working for 2374 Days so 4748 days ago. According to the machine my soul is 7259 Days old. Living somewhere in Pennsylvania. I've been done with 'Formal Education' for a time now. I've been creating myself, recreating myself. 2+3+7+4 = 16, 1+6 = 7; 4+7+4+8 = 23; 2+3=5, 7+2+5+9 = 23; 2+3 = 5

6 Years Ago We all know the great fade out was still happening, we all know my life was living surrounded by a empty apartment, we all know "You are what you surrounded yourself with". Empty and alone. I spend all this time struggling between 'free time' and a 'free spirit'. It's funny how trapped you are when structure is absent.

6 Months Ago I'm working on a poster design for a pilot (a sit com produced by an independent production company, hoping to sell it to a network) Another little brunette; this one on the other coast... another fade out, but I know she'll be back Just not when. This time, I'm the one that fades out. Trying not to get trapped in the fantasy of what isn't. I guess it works, too well in fact. She's still faded away to this day. Her and her boyfriend.

0 Days Ago today: I'm working for an independent production company, brand new, making graphics for posters, DVD boxes, stage use via a digital projector. I'm running to home depot, showing the VP what to buy. We go back to the producers place, empty the truck of all the stuff we bought for the set, my set. Gold fabric, red satin, lamps, lamps and more lamps - Ikea should owe me something. Now, here, just this, just empty and alone. playing Tom Petty on the guitar, Husker Du, Jawbreaker; Boat on a hill never going to sea. I want to be a boat, I want to learn to swim, then I'll learn to float - begin again

I need to eat.

Begin again.

Stay Strong,


Sunday, April 09, 2006

This Day in Mystory

The word of the day is: Poof
Pronunciation: 'püf, 'puf
Function: interjection (for other uses see: 'poof' noun; 'poof' slang)
A sudden or instantaneous event or occurrence.
It's important to realize this is also My last name minus R. R has the numerological value of nine Proof - 9 = 25 which equals 7: Zain, the chariot, the sword, Gemini - Take away my R and you unleash something.

What you need to see is these parallel's, these repetitions of history these odd/ironic coincidences are not to try and prove astrology is in anyway accurate. What you need to knows there's as much coincidence in my losing friends as there is my being broke.

The great fade out; I'm sleeping on an air mattress, or giant bean bag or not sleeping at all. I've been to the desert and back and It's over, I just have to remember that. Note2Self:no more short brunettes. There's nothing in here, no boxes, no furniture, no TV yet. Laptop and a will to live. A little black 5 dollar phone, a friend that will soon leave life and memory gave me. This isn't about 'Smallville', we left on good terms with each other. It's about the little brunette. But it's really not; this was about moving 3000 miles way with nothing but the skin on my back. And I've still got just that.

Today, and I mean that very literally, Genesis machine or not; everything changed all the designs went out the window, the boxing theme - gone. We have to have an emergency meeting in the morning, tomorrow and I mean tomorrow in the literal, linear, linnet that bolts forward like a shifting lightning bolt of feathers sort of way. My set design all gets flushed, another memory forgone. faded out. fucked off. There's a ten in the morning, apparently, that's when the meeting is - we'll sit and talk and brain storm.

The Last of the Best Friends; We sit and talk and brainstorm, over the phone; for months now, then poof it's over. This is news to me, some much time we've been laughing, creating, building an empire, world, solar system - a comic book universe. Then Poof. 16 years of friendship, gone. It's not astrology. There's no merit in these events. It's passive aggressive, narcissism. I never knew he thought I held the power, he never knew I didn't think I held any. I keep forgetting he always looked up to me. I thought by know we were equals. We never, will, have been. Genesis machine or not. He's just poof. She's just poof.

I've been eating chocolate chip pancakes.
Box of generic pancake mix $2
Bag of store brand chips (on sale) $1.50
add two scoops pancake mix, to 1.5 scoops water,
mix well, roughly 20 strokes.
Add a handful of chips.
drop batter on hot skillet
makes roughly 3 medium sized pancakes.
You can make something like a hundred pancakes for a 2 dollar box.
This meal costs maybe .50

I don't have chocolate syrup, or butter, or whipped cream. That's be great but, that costs money. You get used to denying yourself things. You have to, because otherwise your money poof.

I'm writing the synopsis for poof, no 'Gone', the novel. My Novel. I'm talking to Kris about teaching in Japan. Wouldn't that be an ironic twist. Suddenly and unknowingly, I disappear, take two duffel bags, board a plane and poof.

What you need to see is some days friends are chocolate chip pancakes, warm, sweet and some days you stare at an empty plate and wonder where they went ...

Stay Strong,


Saturday, April 08, 2006

In The Begining...Thee End

I want to tell you about the Genesis machine. About Six years, 5 months and 24 days ago - roughly, I turned it on. For those of you who don't understand the clever dynamics of hyper-thermal-molecular-time/space-manipulation and quatum-juxtaposition/skewing-technologies , I'll save you the techno babble; for those of you who do, you may shout out 'Wait, But why!?'.

The Genesis machine, as designed would create a reverse in my soul, linear body would progress in a corporeal latitude projection; wait, scratch that - scramble it. Thus I would from that day forward, live the opposite of that. Now I know what you're all thinking "Wait, but why?!". It doesn't matter, what's done is done, I know, those from the original group are saying "But don't you understand you may never be able to turn it off" and some of you may even shout "But you'll be dead by zero!". It doesn't matter, before that I was living successfully, I worked, I saved money, I used my free time to hang with friends, surf the internet write little crazy stories. That was then, this is Genesis, a new beginning - an apt name for the machine now that I think about it. Those marketing guys are really brilliant. I mean who's by the 'Soul introversion machine'? I mean besides some cynical bitch, like me.

To prove the machine works, with in two months I would find myself moving to LA. For a little brunette woman, none the less -what further proof could you have the machine works. My entire world stuffed into two duffel bags, the rest abandoned in the mystical land of Pennsylvania. I'm not Amish. Trust me, I'm here right?

The machine itself is pretty cool, it whirs and spits, and smoke creeps out the bottom... now it's pretty much just an automated self smoking hookah that lives in my closest doing it's thing for the roaches.

It's been 6 years, 5 months and 24 days since the machine started. btw big side note, it's completely random that I post this today. If not for Foo himself telling me they added blog features I wouldn't have come here, it wouldn't have occurred to me to type this in any of my other blogs. The irony here is, my birthday is May 24th. Pretty creepy eh? Oh, this year I'll be 33, 3+3=6, so if you really want to push for 'significant things', like some viewer of LOST then there you have your mystical numbers 6 5 24. enter that into your computer every 35 minutes and hit 'execute' see if you save the world. I'll go on living backwards, just not visually.

My body will age, time will go on... but my soul will jettison memory and sin and regret right before your very eyes. Of course you'll need special goggles for that. I forget the store that sells those, some kind of omniscient microscopes: google; godhead gobbet goggles.

What you need to know here is, it's probably going to get worse before it gets better; 6 years 5 months and 24 days ago from 6 years 5 months and 24 days ago I was back in Amish country, well close to it. I was 20 or 21, I'm not going to be doing more math then necessary, it doesn't matter...the point is 12 years, 10 months and 48 days ago Jess was still effecting my life. Jess was a little brunette woman, I had packed my life away to be with her and if I'd had the Genesis machine back then I would have used it, and I'd be about 4 or 5 or 6 years old and playing with little plastic army men in the snow of Bryn Mawr Pennsylvania, which by the way is Welsh for 'Big Hill', The irony here is that I live next to Whitley ave, which you LA locals know is truly a big hill. By the way there is also a Bryn Mawr in Blaenau Gwent, Whales. I have never been there. Maybe one day in the linear future I'll find my way there to play in the snow with little plastic army men. With my luck I'll have gone there to find some girl.

In the meantime I live my backward life, avoiding little brunette woman and forgetting to regret any decision I make from here on out.

Stay Strong,